To Get Rid or Not To Get Rid - That is the question!

Today, it's not about the files. Or the piles. It's about what you should (and should not) get rid of so you can live in the present.

By Leigh Newman

There is a lot of talk about decluttering these days. I am in full support of this movement. I am ready and willing to toss, say, the bank statement from 1976 or the baby bonnet knitted by an elderly aunt that shrunk to thimble size in the dryer. Stuff is stuff, and though it may represent memories, though we may cling, clutch and even smell these objects in order to keep these memories fresh and real to us—they are still stuff. They are not the actual memories. 

This is why dealing with the past itself—especially the not-so-happy past—is so much more difficult. You can't throw it out. You can't give it away. You can't even buy an elegant leather storage container, dump it inside and slap on a sticker that reads in tasteful, graceful cursive: My Lack-of-Self-Esteem Years, 1982–1999. 

I wish we could. But the sad truth is, boxing up and refusing to live with any part of your life takes as much energy as gripping it tightly or wishing it could have happened differently. Both approaches take too much work. Think about it: You've either got to keep that feral cat in the bag or live with it loose in the house. 

I need a more reasonable, forgiving stance, one that lets me lose some of that less-than-joyful history, and keep some of it too. I don't speak symbolically either. I made an honest-to-God list for all of us out of there struggling with our former selves of what to keep and what to gently, firmly let go of...

 
To Keep: The Inappropriate Laugh

 
You have been there, haven't you? In the picturesque meadow or on the mountaintop or at the beach where somebody is about to throw a box of ashes into the flowers/valleys/waves. There have been months of decisions and caretaking that have led to this moment, not to mention the end of the daily making of ice chips and the return of the rented walker. People you detest have lectured you on the importance of an official urn. People you love have gotten into fights over the sale of the house or a pair of tacky candlesticks. The person you have lost is not coming back, and the place where they used to live (your heart) feels like a TV with the screen kicked out of it.

 
This is when your uncle (who may or may not be a little tipsy) sits down heavily on the boulder beside you on the beach, just before the scattering of the ashes, and splits his ancient wool pants up the derriere. You will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. So will he. So will everyone. You will know that the laughter was a little uncontrolled and a little wacko. But you may not dismantle it as fake or cheesy, or some kind of nervous reaction to sadness, and dismiss it hastily. That laugh you have to keep forever. It was real laughter. It was a choice by you and whoever laughed with you—to celebrate instead of judge—while sitting side by side. 

To Keep: The Random Person

 
For the most part, we turn to family or close friends for advice and encouragement. These are the people who know us, after all, and, more importantly, are the people who have to help us (another way to think about this: the people who can't hang up). 

It's true that occasionally a taxi driver or waiter will toss off the most insightful, most absolutely needed comment at just the right time. The odds of your hanging out with this waiter or taxi driver for the rest of your days are pretty low, though, if only because taxi drivers and waiters help a lot of strangers though rough times. They can't buddy up long term to us all.

 
This is why another group of accidental sages exists. These are the people you run into, say, right before a job interview or during a marital separation or during a nerve-wracking trip to the emergency room. They do not belong in the ambulance or at the rehearsal dinner or at the book club meeting, but they are the ones who look at you and say, out of nowhere, with no authority or information, "This too shall pass." Or, "You're making the right decision. It might not feel like it, but I can tell." These people have displayed—in the quickest flash—a strength of character and compassion that you will admire for the rest of your life. These people you must make real, lasting, forever friends with. These people will show you how to live (and how to listen) for the rest of your life.

To Leave Behind: The Story You Tell Yourself

 
You're a complete disaster when it comes to dancing or eating or even talking in general. You're too loud or too quiet or too tall or too old or too blunt. You're not smart enough or not sexy enough or not risky enough or not fast enough. You never catch on like other people. You ruined the family holiday. You bungled your own marriage. You never loved him in the first place. You'll never love again. You'll never be loved again because love is for other people with smaller hips and larger hearts and a better sense of when to stay and when to leave and who to trust. You're alone. You deserve it. It's all your fault. 

These are stories we tell ourselves. In most cases, they are also the stories that were told to us—by our families, by boys, by other girls, by exes and by teachers. Or even by the TV shows we watched, thinking that we would grow up to be TV humans who have jobs where nobody works, who give presents that come perfectly wrapped, and who had boyfriends.

 
These stories are listed, by title, in a thick, moldy dictionary that we drop on our own heads. They have to go. Now. 

Dreaming Big

1.             What do you believe is possible for yourself? If your answer is "nothing", why do you believe that?

2. Are you wishing or dreaming for something to happen? How can you change your wish to become a dream?

3. Things don't happen overnight. What do you wholeheartedly believe you're meant to do?

4. What is your heart's dream (not material stuff like "a lot of money or a fancy car"?) What truly fulfills you?

4. What are the steps you are taking to live in that purpose? How are you keeping your faith alive?

5. Are you pursuing a life or chasing a dream that isn't yours? If so, what is it?

6. Instead of looking at the road ahead, Pastor Joel Osteen says you sometimes need to look back and be grateful for what you already have. What are you most grateful for? What goodness has been brought into to your life already?

7. Has anyone told you your dream isn’t possible? If you're feeling negative or discouraged, how will you use your energy to believe and not worry?

8. Every time a negative thought comes into your mind, replace it with a positive one. Do this for an entire day. Then, rate your day. Did it feel life changing?

9. Is there an example of when a door closed in your life—and an even better door opened? Can you now see why the first door was closed on purpose?

10. Do you expect good things in your life? What do you expect now, or what will you start expecting?

11. What is the new dream you have for yourself?

Moving Blues

Even though I have put extensive effort into downsizing, I’ve met my master with this move.

I’ve still got the basement to deal with and the new tenants just called to say that they have to be in this flat by the end of November! HaHAA! A kick in the pants. An explosion of motivation! Just what I needed to make myself address the projects I’ve successfully put off until now.

I called the movers to ask if they could come a week earlier than planned. Check.

I called to ask if the kitchen company could have the new kitchen ready a week ahead of plan. Much cowtowing on my side, power play on the other side. Check.

Realizing I need sturdier boxes than the ones I bought. Ordered those. Check.

Purging and Packing like a mad woman. Check.

I’ve got lots of unused seminar scripts. I take them to my seminars and ask if anyone is interested. They generally are. Then I toss the rest.

Frustrations à la carte

I sold my dining room set but the people refused it once they were here to pick it up. Now it is being sold through eBay for 3.60€! Hope these people take the things off my hands.

I sold two chairs but haven’t heard a word from the buyer about picking them up, despite my repeated efforts to contact him.

In an effort to keep my ratings up at eBay, I sent off a plate to the “buyer” before I received the payment. No payment, no handling and shipping costs compensated.

I sent a book to a man who sent it back (rather badly bent up, I might add) and demanded a refund. I accidentally refunded twice as much as necessary (Amazon, where are you when I need you?!). Even though I asked, he never paid back the rest.

My cleaning lady wanted to help so she packed all my seminar materials. How nice of her. Except I need them next week and couldn’t find the right boxes in these huge piles if I wanted to!

I checked out the new apartment for electric outlets and found none where I really need them – like for the refrigerator! The bathroom has no window and there is just one small electric connection on the wall (the wires are dangling) but nothing on the ceiling. I already bought a new lamp for that room that could practically light up the runway at the airport. But where can I hook it up??

Obviously the flat is organized for old people. There are very few outlets/sockets for internet.

I need to change telephone companies but am not willing to pay connection fees. I fear I am not putting my most charming self forward when negotiating with the company agents.

My wifi is ailing. It is taking forever to get into the internet.

WAAAAHHH!

That said, it is important not to sink into a “poor me” attitude. I miss my Mom a lot and Germany is getting very dark again. Yet there are so many things to be glad and thankful about. I just have to consciously remember them.

Checklist for Moving

I am right in the middle of moving and find it helpful using a checklist. It soothes my nerves and eases the uneasy feeling that I perhaps have forgotten something.

Week 8

•  Research.  Start investigating moving company options. Do not rely on a quote over the phone; request an on-site estimate. Get an estimate in writing from each company, and make sure it has a USDOT (U.S. Department of Transportation) number on it.
• Schedule an appointment with a moving agent. Set a convenient date for the agent to visit your home and determine the size and weight of your belongings. Your agent will then prepare a written estimate for your personalized move plan.

• Is your company paying for the move? If so, refer to their policy to determine the moving services the mover will be authorized to perform.
• Need help with packing? Moving a car? Your salesperson will discuss our variety of moving services with you in case you need extra help.
• Make sure to show the agent everything that is going to be moved. You can add or subtract items later, but that will change your estimate. Any items you forget to disclose or are added later to the shipment will increase the cost, even if you have been given a binding estimate. 
• Sort and purge.  Go through every room of your house and decide what you’d like to keep and what you can get rid of. Think about whether any items will require special packing or extra insurance coverage.
• Create a moving binder.  Use this binder to keep track of everything—all your estimates, your receipts, and an inventory of all the items you’re moving.
• Organize school records.  Go to your children’s school and arrange for their records to be transferred to their new school district. 

Week 7

Sign your Estimate and book your move

• Sign the Estimate/Order for Service once you have a clear understanding of each section. Ask your move coordinator if you have any questions.
• Lock in your move-out date and confirm your plan once you officially book your move.

Week 6

Change your address

• Now it is time to begin notifying others that you are moving; the post office is a good place to start. An online Change of Address form is available on the United States Postal Service website.
• Change your address with your banks, insurance providers, credit cards and magazine subscriptions. 
• Update your information with doctors, lawyers, accountants and any other professional services.
• Order supplies.  Order boxes and other supplies such as tape, Bubble Wrap, and permanent markers. Don’t forget to order specialty containers, such as dish barrels or wardrobe boxes.
• Use it or lose it.  Start using up things that you don’t want to move, like frozen or perishable foods and cleaning supplies. 
• Take measurements.  Check room dimensions at your new home, if possible, and make sure larger pieces of furniture will fit through the door. 

Week 5

Give away, sell, toss or recycle anything you do not need

• Go through every room in your house to sort through what will move with you and what will not.
• Have extra stuff? Organize a garage sale or online sale to get rid of anything you won't be taking with you.
• Donate any unwanted clothing, furniture or other household goods (pots, pans, dishes, bedding, etc.) to your favorite charities in town. Don’t forget to grab receipts showing the items’ approximate value for possible tax deductions.
• Buy only the food you will need up until move day. Clean out your cupboards and donate or remove any perishable items you will not need prior to the big day.
• Start to use up items like household cleaners, rolls of paper towels, etc.
• Toss or recycle anything that can’t be donated, sold or gifted. Keep in mind there might be a limit as to what you can put at the curb each week. (Here in Germany, we can’t curb anything without applying for Sperrmüll. Then we putt he stuff out on the curb and a company comes by to pick it up. If there is anything left after the scavengers!)
• Be sure to check the non-allowables list for items not allowed in your shipment. If you are unsure of how to properly dispose of these items, Mayflower recommends visiting earth911.com to help you find appropriate recycling centers in your neighborhood. 
• Choose your mover and confirm the arrangements.  Select a company and get written confirmation of your moving date, costs, and other details.
• Begin packing.  Start packing the things that you use most infrequently, such as the waffle iron and croquet set. While packing, note items of special value that might require additional insurance from your moving company. Make sure to declare, in writing, any items valued over $100 per pound, such as a computer.
• Label.  Clearly label and number each box with its contents and the room it’s destined for. This will help you to keep an inventory of your belongings. Pack and label “essentials” boxes of items you’ll need right away.
• Separate valuables.  Add items such as jewelry and important files to a safe box that you’ll personally transport to your new home. Make sure to put the mover’s estimate in this box. You’ll need it for reference on moving day. 
• Do a change of address.  Go to your local post office and fill out a change-of-address form, or do it online at usps.gov. But in case there are stragglers, it’s always wise to ask a close neighbor to look out for mail after you’ve moved. Check in with him or her two weeks after the move, and again two weeks after that.
• Notify important parties.  Alert the following of your move: banks, brokerage firms, your employer’s human resources department, magazine and newspapers you subscribe to, and credit card, insurance, and utility companies.
• Forward medical records.  Arrange for medical records to be sent to any new health-care providers or obtain copies of them yourself. Ask for referrals. 

Week 4

Check in with your move coordinator

• Was your garage sale a big success? Donate more than you planned? Notify your moving company if you add or subtract items from your planned move or if there are any changes in dates.
• Confirm any extra stops required to pick up or deliver goods to a location other than the main pickup or delivery      points.
• If your car is being moved, be prepared to drive it to the loading site for auto transport. Also be prepared to pick up your car at your destination location; again.

Week 3

Confirm your travel plans

• If you are driving to your new home, get your car tuned and ready for the trip.
• If you are flying, make sure you book your air travel and any other necessary transportation.
• Book any hotels or stops you’ll need to make along the way.
• Consider what items you’ll need for the trip and for your first night in your new home. Set them aside so they don’t accidentally get packed.

Start packing

• If you’re packing yourself, get a head start now so you aren’t overwhelmed at the last minute. Books, out of season clothes and decorative items are a great place to start.
• Plan your approach.

Preparing your household

• Send rugs and draperies out for cleaning. Leave them wrapped for transit once they are returned.
• Have any antiques or high-end items appraised in writing before the move.  Find receipts for any big ticket items and keep them with you, just in case.
• Pack Last: Prepare a “Load Last” box with any essentials you may need on your first night in your new home. Pack things like bottled water, paper towels, soap, a first aid kit and anything else you may need. This box will be the last box loaded and the first box unloaded during your move.
• Dispose of any flammables, fireworks, cleaning fluids, matches, ammunition or poisons. Visit earth911.com to help you find appropriate recycling centers in your neighborhood. 
• Schedule an appointment with a service technician to prepare any major appliances for the move.
• Drain fuel from your power mower, and discard or recycle the propane tank on your grill.
• Confirm the date that all of your utilities will be disconnected.

Week 2

Plan for your pets

• Make sure you have made travel plans for your pets.
• Take your pets to the vet and ensure you have any required health certificates or inoculations – every state/country has different requirements.

Finish your errands

• Pick-up anything you had cleaned, stored or repaired.
• Empty your locker at the club or gym.
• Return anything you have borrowed from friends or neighbors.

Week 1

Last minute details

• Make sure that all mechanical and electrical equipment is properly serviced for shipping prior to the arrival of the moving truck.
• Be on hand when the service representative arrives to prepare your appliances for shipment.
• Refill prescriptions. Stock up on prescriptions you’ll need during the next couple of weeks.
• Pack your suitcases.  Aim to finish your general packing a few days before your moving date. Then pack suitcases for everyone in the family with enough clothes to wear for a few days. (Remember the story about the moving fan that caught fire?)
• Double-check the details.  Reconfirm the moving company’s arrival time and other specifics and make sure you have prepared exact, written directions to your new home for the staff. Include contact information, such as your cell phone number.
• Plan for the payment.  If you haven’t already arranged to pay your mover with a credit card, get a money order, cashier’s check, or cash for payment and tip. If the staff has done a good job, 10 to 15 percent of the total fee is a good tip. If your move was especially difficult, you might tip each mover up to $100. Don’t forget that refreshments are always appreciated. 

Day before moving day

• Identify any extra-fragile items needing special attention. If certain items should not be packed or moved, mark them appropriately.
• Defrost the freezer. If your refrigerator is moving with you, make sure to empty, clean and defrost it at least 24 hours before moving day.
• Label any items or boxes you will want first when the truck arrives at your new home (valuables, electronics, etc.).
• If you are doing your own packing, make sure everything is ready to go before moving day. Upon arrival, the van operator will check to see if boxes have been properly packed.
• Collect things you definitely want packed together, such as children's toys and place in separate groups.
• Unplug all electronic appliances 24 hours in advance of a move, except plasma televisions, so that they will be at room temperature on moving day. This includes home computers, stereos and audio/video equipment. 

Moving day

• Verify.  Make sure that the moving truck that shows up is from the company you hired: The USDOT number painted on its side should match the number on the estimate you were given. Scams are not unheard-of.
• Take inventory. Before the movers leave, sign the bill of lading/inventory list and keep a copy. Make it a point to be on hand to see that all of your goods are loaded; remain close by until loading is complete. After making a final tour of the house, check and sign the inventory list. Be sure to get your copy from the van operator and keep it safe.

• There will be some necessary paperwork on the big day:
  High-Value Inventory form: complete and sign stating whether or not items of extraordinary value are included in the shipment.
  Bill of Lading/Freight Bill: includes the terms and conditions under which your goods are moved and is also your receipt for the shipment.
  Extraordinary (Unusual) Value Article Declaration: If applicable, check this box on the Bill of Lading.
• Give the van operator the exact destination address.
• Be sure to let the van operator know how you can best be reached, pending the arrival of your belongings.

Take a last look around

• Water shut off?
• Furnace and air conditioner shut off?
• Light switches turned off?
• All utilities arranged for disconnection with service providers?
• Windows shut and locked?
• Old house keys and garage door openers surrendered? 
• Have you left anything?

Delivery day

• Be on hand to accept delivery. If you cannot be there personally, be sure to authorize an adult to be your representative to accept delivery and pay the moving charges for you.
• On the day of delivery, the van operator will attempt to contact you by phone and/or will stop by your new home if he/she is unable to reach you. If you or an authorized individual cannot accept delivery of your belongings within the free waiting time (i.e., two hours) you may request additional waiting time (for an additional cost) until the delivery can be made.
• Check your household goods as they are unloaded. If you notice any damage or that something is missing, personally report any it to your salesperson or move coordinator. If there is any change in the condition of your property from what is noted on the inventory list, note discrepancies on the van operator's copy of the inventory. By signing the inventory, you are acknowledging receipt of all items listed.
• When unloading, each piece of furniture will be placed as you direct, including placing of rugs and setting up any beds that were disassembled at origin. If you would like your mattresses unpacked or appliances installed, check with your salesperson or move coordinator beforehand.
• It always helps to have a guide. Place a floor plan of your new home by the entrance, so the movers can determine where each piece of furniture should go. It is still best if you stand there and direct everything.
• Keep all your moving documents in a safe place. You will need them for verification of moving expenses when you file your federal income tax returns.
• To prevent any possible damage, leave appliances and electronics turned off for about 24 hours while they adjust to new room temperatures.

Settling in after your move

• It is time to make it official! Check in with your new post office for any mail being held and ask for delivery to begin.
• Check state (and local) requirements for auto registration and a driver's license.
• You may want to select an attorney to discuss laws that pertain to your destination state, county and/or city. Be sure to cover such matters as wills, transfers of property and investments, insurance regulations, inheritance laws, taxes, etc. Most laws affect a family as soon as residence is established in the new state and city.

Sicily

Looks like I just dropped off the map!

I am in my second week in Sicily, the first week was a painting course around Scopello and this week I am in Palermo. I have a large room on the eighth floor and look out over the roofs of Palermo.

My goal the last two years was to learn something new that I might enjoy and would be difficult for me - painting and Italian.  I surely picked well!

My painting instructor was very patient with me and I did make progress. If I keep it in the perspective of STRETCH, it will be fine. But I often let my ego get mixed into it. Yet that is the point - doing something that I don´t do well and trying to get pretty good. Well, actually, the goal is to have fun and expand my horizons.

I was walking up the street and found a language school and immediately signed up for Italian lessons. Wow! My first private lesson was with Giulia and I understood about half of what she said. At least she taught me past tense. I´ve done my homework and will have a two hour lesson today.

On Sunday, I took a two hour ride on a sightseeing bus, riding around enoying the view from the top, soaking up the sun after many cloudy and rainy days in Germany. Yesterday I took a walking tour for over five hours and saw things most tourists don´t bother to see or don´t know about. I´ve drawn and painted watercolor while here and done some interesting reading about happiness.

I also watched a scary video about the dangers of sugars, which put the fear of the Lord into me.

► 89:37► 89:37

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM

31.07.2009 - Hochgeladen von University of California Television (UCTV)

Watch "The Skinny on Obesity" with Dr. Lustig: http://www.uctv.tv/skinny-on- obesity Robert H ...

Motivated to do without sugar, I tried to eat meals without some sort of sugar in them. Now try THAT in Sicily! Breakfast has tons of enticing rolls, cakes and sweets, lunch is bread of some sort and I had to pay 25 euros the other night just to get one plain old fish and some cold veggies.

Undaunted, I forge onward!!

La aiuta gli audaci!   (Fortune favors the brave)

Oct. 17: 
My soggiorno in Sicily is drawing to an end - boohoo. Yesterday, I had a two hour private Italian lesson and it was great. The teachers here use lots of games which are fun and help me learn better.

It still is quite warm during the day. 😓 I like to go out in the morning but by noon I'm dripping with sweat.

When I get back home, I must clean out all the useless dustcatchers I have been senselessly storing for years. Then I'll move in December. I really don't know how I am going to get along with one less room.