New Year’s Resolutions - Doomed to Die - sooner than later?

Well, it is that time again – New Year’s Eve – and I am wondering how many people out there are starting a list of things they want to change in 2014.

Losing the Christmas weight (and the weight of Christmas Past), establishing healthy habits, getting up earlier, being punctual, neater and impressively organized, less drinking and/or smoking, more exercise…

Goodness! It is never more obvious that we are human than at this time of year. Suddenly, all of our shortcomings parade in front of our mind’s eye (and often in front of innocent bystanders).

Mama always says “God is not finished with me yet”. It seems like we are perpetual “construction sites”.

I wonder if we should just charge right into 2014 with a healthy “Devil made me do it” attitude?

But, what if we really want to fix ourselves up? Strive for the best in us? Go for it?

How can we make our noble intentions stick?

First of all, we need to take stock. What is keeping us from being our very best?

Find a place where you can sit and reflect. Have a pen and paper available. Writing your ideas by hand seems to be more effective.

Think about changes and improvements you'd like to make.

These can be about anything. Ask yourself the following questions to get you started and then add questions of your own:

◦           What can I do to improve my health?
Drink more pure water?
Quit smoking? 
Drink less (or no) alcohol?
Avoid unhealthy foods? Avoid all fast food?  Fried foods? Red meat?
Eat fish twice a week? How about more fiber, beans, whole grains? 
Take vitamins each day?
Go to the gym? How often? 
Maybe start off going once a week but increase by one day each month?

◦          What can I do to be a better parent? 

Can you attend a sporting event, school play, recital or other activity each week?

 Can you proofread papers or help with homework?

Can you take your kids on an educational trip over the summer? 
Can you take a weekend and see a historical location or museum? 
You don't have to travel far; it could just be a day trip.

◦       What can I do to be a better friend?

 Make a list of everyone's birthday and address to send cards.

Contact or visit a friend you haven't seen in years.

Are there "friends" you need to get rid of? Are they unhealthy or negative?

◦        What can I do to be more successful at work?
Get up 20 minutes earlier so that I start my day relaxed?
Leave a bit earlier so I get to work on time?
Try to be better than yesterday, every single day?

◦     What can I do to be happier at work?

Learn to say no to the procrastinators and bad time-managers. 

 Don't skip lunch or breaks no matter how busy you are.

Take your vacation days instead of putting the company first.

Get some exercise or be involved in networking during lunchtime.

◦  Consider more external changes in your life, the ways that you can make a difference through activism, awareness raising or promoting a cause. Ask yourself questions such as:

What can I do to improve the world?

 Choose a hybrid or high-mileage car.

How do I get the best gas mileage you can out of the car you have?

How can I reduce?

Am I recycling as much as I can?

 How can I become active?   Volunteer or just recycle a little more.

Look over your list and see what items on it are most important to you. Don't take too long choosing; often it's the things that leap out at you straight away that have the most meaning for you personally.

Make your list of resolutions. Don't make a short list of huge goals. Make a list with many smaller goals. If you need to put down 20 resolutions, go for it!

Break down larger goals into smaller actions. For example: Instead of resolving to lose 30 pounds in the following year, you can resolve to cut out fast food, soft drinks, sugary snacks and drinks, drink more water, and walk three days a week until March, and then gradually add in two days at the gym. Before you know it, your 30 pounds will be gone. Instead of having the 30 pounds goal looming over your head, you can chip away at it by achieving your smaller resolutions. In the long run you'll be much healthier and much more likely to maintain the weight loss as you've formed a new lifestyle pattern instead of a deprivation regime.

Plan daily, weekly and monthly targets.

The long-term goal is something that you are striving for eventually. Something like, “I will lose X inches or X pounds.” In order to get there, you have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other. To stay on track and motivated, set weekly nutrition and exercise goals (again, being realistic). Break down what you have to do each day to reach your weekly objective. Plan for the week on the same day each week so that you can go grocery shopping and get your schedule ready. It is essential that you dedicate some time and energy to creating the plan and thinking about the week’s goals.



Print or write out copies of your resolutions. Save a copy on each computer or electronic device you own, such as your cell phone, tablet, eReader or MP3 player (if it accepts notes). Everywhere!!

◦                Email a copy to your work address.

◦                Make a smaller copy and keep it in your wallet.

◦                Post a copy on the outside of your refrigerator! Use bright paper so it catches your eye and don't let it get hidden behind coupons and artwork.

◦                Post your daily plan to reach your week’s goal somewhere that you can’t miss it. (Best place for me is on the refrigerator door.) If possible, post a copy up at the office or your place of business. Consider sharing your list with an office friend. You'll have that support system everywhere you go.

Track Your Progress

Keep track of each small success. Short-term goals are easier to keep, and each small accomplishment will help motivate you. Keep a journal to help you stay on track, and reward yourself for each even tiny success. Keep checking back to your list daily to keep your eye on the ball.

Never Give Up!

If you have run out of steam when it comes to keeping your resolution by mid-February, don’t despair. Start over again! Recommit yourself for 24 hours. You can do anything for 24 hours. The 24-hour increments will soon build on each other and, before you know it, you will be back on track.

Don't Be Upset by Setbacks


The old adage in therapy is two steps forward, one step back. The same could be said for New Year's Resolutions, which can often be the most difficult to keep. If you know ahead of time that there are going to be times in which your resolve weakens or you don't live up to a certain step or schedule you've set, it can help when it does happen. It's a part of the process and means nothing more than a temporary setback. Putting such temporary setbacks into their proper perspective can help you move beyond them and put them behind you.

New Year's resolutions are as easy to make as they are to break. This year, start small. Feeling frazzled? Claim 10 minutes for yourself each day, find a quiet place where you can be alone, and write in a journal. Whether you're writing stream of consciousness, sorting through your thoughts and emotions or organizing your daily life, this precious quality time to yourself is bound to be therapeutic. So let it all out!

Sometimes it helps for a person to make a few fun resolutions! How can you upsize the quality of your life and enjoy the process?

I wish you a happy and successful 2014!

Happy One-Year "Anniversary"!

Talk about deja-vú!

Last year at this time, I was here in Texas, very excited about starting a new project called

Downsize your stuff - Upsize your life.

Exactly one year later, on December 30, 2013,  I look back at a year full of mixed emotions, new projects, lots of decluttering and tossing, reorganization and the like. The biggest thing I got rid of was the huge living room rug, the most annoying thing was a recliner that was uncomfortable, the most embarrassing were the new-looking magazines from 1999, the most enjoyable were the cute Christmas ornaments I gave to my students.

I've rechecked my finances, sold all my stocks.

I've started new hobbies and taken interesting trips.

I've upsized my "family feeling" by coming to Texas more often, taking care of my Mom and visiting with my brother and sister-in-law (and about a million Asian family members).

I've decided which seminars I am not going to teach again and have deleted one afternoon of teaching. I'll not be doing "group therapy" for social workers as much in 2014.

Milan, Sardinia and Capri are next on my Trip List. And I am giving a lecture series in Erfurt, Germany. I probably wouldn't have picked that city voluntarily otherwise.

My one huge failure is my weight. Wahhhh. At least I trained faithfully. So I have the firmest fat in Germany!!

Cut Your Clutter Calories! - 7 Ways to Prevent Clutter from clutterdiet.com

Lorie Morrero

Just like cutting down on your candy consumption, preventing clutter from being created is the first step toward reducing your organizational “weight gain.” Here are a few tips to help you cut those clutter calories:

1. Control your “clutter cravings.” People often seem to have an appetite for purchasing certain things, but just like food cravings, you really can overcome your urge to collect. Get comfortable with the concept of “enough.” Avoid the places that encourage your particular collecting behavior, and if you must go, have a targeted approach to something you’ve planned ahead to buy. You may even need to bring a friend to “talk you down.” Here are some examples of places that are the clutter calorie equivalent of going to Krispy Kreme:

Garage sales

Flea markets

Souvenir shops

Discount stores

Used bookstores

Shoe stores

2. Deal with things as they come. Mail, dishes, and laundry are continuous sources of clutter. You can probably think of a few more examples of “continuous clutter” yourself. These processes are not going to stop, and accepting that is the first step in dealing with the problem.

To battle clutter, you must have systems and routines for dealing with it, usually on a daily basis. Can you imagine if the post office let letters and packages stack up, and at the end of the week the workers acted really surprised and panicked about delivering all of it? Of course not! They know it’s their business to deliver mail, and they have systems and routines in place to make that happen--daily. Our homes are no different. We need to accept the fact that we are also in the business of processing mail--and laundry and dishes-- and deal with these things as they come each day. No more ignoring these items and acting surprised when they have stacked up!

3. Stop extra postal mail, unsolicited phone calls, and junk e-mails. Junk communications are clutter too, and they cost you time and energy. Each communication represents little decisions you have to make every day. Should I talk to this salesperson? Should I read this catalog? Should I open this junk mail?

First, do not make it easy for them! Do not provide your personal contact information without asking yourself if it’s really necessary, and always be clear on the privacy policies of the company who is receiving this information. Sending in sweepstakes applications and warranty cards often put you on mailing lists, and these activities should be avoided.

Any time you receive an unsolicited sales call, have a response ready to end the call quickly. It’s very effective to say that you simply “have a policy” against purchasing from telemarketers. Always make sure you ask to be removed from their list so you won’t receive any future calls.

Ask your e-mail hosting provider or your IT service person to help you reduce your spam problem. There are many tools and services available to filter your mail, and they will be able to tell you the right tool for your particular configuration.

Resources:

Postal Mail Reduction Tips: www.newdream.org/junkmail

Direct Marketing Association: www.dmaconsumers.org/cgi/offmailing

Opting Out of Credit Card Offers: www.optoutprescreen.com

National Do-Not-Call Registry: www.donotcall.gov

State Do-Not-Call Lists: http://www.callcompliance.com/regulations/statelist.html

Federal Trade Commission Spam Information: http://www.ftc.gov/spam/

4. Plan before you buy. People create a lot of clutter by simply buying the wrong thing and not returning it. Take measurements, bring color swatches, and know sizes and quantities before you go out. Also, make a list of exactly what you need before you shop. If you are buying many things for your home, you can create a shopping notebook for your car that contains swatches of fabric, paint, and wallpaper, along with measurements of your rooms and furniture. Planning your purchases will help you save money, too!

5. Think before you buy. When you are about to buy something impulsively, ask yourself these crucial purchasing questions:

Who can I borrow this from or share this with?

What do I already have that is like this item?

Where will I store this item?

When will I have time to use it and maintain it?

Why do I need this item?

Before you purchase something, mentally decide exactly where you are going to store this item when you get it home, and consider the time the item requires to maintain or use. If you are considering subscribing to a magazine or newspaper, ask yourself if you truly have time to read it each time it arrives. Are there already stacks of other magazines you are not reading? It may be better to buy a copy as a treat at the newsstand rather than subscribe and get into a clutter trap.

6. Don't always accept freebies. What a nifty glow-in-the-dark golf visor! But after the novelty wears off, what is going to happen to it? Don't take home everything you are offered from a party, a trade show or a conference, and don't bring home hotel soaps, samples, or other things you won’t use. When you are traveling, take five minutes while you are packing to leave to throw away anything that doesn’t truly belong in your home. And if a friend offers to give you something she doesn't use, don't accept it if you won't use it.

7. Ask for the gifts you want. It doesn't always come up, but if it does, be ready to tell people some great gift ideas for you. Otherwise you risk getting things you don't want and won’t use, which means clutter! And if you are truly the “person who has everything,” let everyone know you no longer want gifts but would rather have a donation in your name to a favorite charity.

Like dieters always say, “a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” Preventing the clutter from entering your home in the first place means that you’ll have less of it to “work off” later!

Influence: Feedback & Critique

Most of us want to have good relationships with the people we influence, but it’s inevitable that we need to communicate when we don’t get the anticipated results. While we should all limit our critical language, giving and receiving feedback is essential for success.

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines the word criticize as:

To consider the merits and demerits of and judge accordingly: evaluate; to find fault with : point out the faults of

And feedback is defined as:

The transmission of evaluative or corrective information about an action, event, or process to the original or controlling source; also : the information so transmitted

Intention
While the word “evaluate” appears in both definitions, only the definition for criticize includes the words “judge” and “fault.” At the same time, only the definition for feedback includes the word “corrective.” Both effective and ineffective leaders evaluate what happened, but only effective leaders have the intention to help people get better going forward. Ineffective leaders may wish for this, but are pre-occupied with finding blame first.

Effective leaders look forward and develop people that will help everyone achieve a shared vision. They look to the past only to the extent that data and lessons from the past can make the future better. While the past is the starting point of most feedback sessions, the best leaders quickly move on to their most important focus: what’s been learned and what steps do all parties take going forward?

To focus more on feedback, take one action this week that will give you practice giving feedback. Based on the three questions below, what action will you take to make the shift to caring feedback?

Are you more interested in helping than blaming?

Are you able to find things you love about the people you lead?

Are you talking more about the future than the past?

Ultimately the goal of critique is to help the other person make himself better. It offers an opportunity for learning.

Criticism is often intended to put down the other person and help the person who is criticizing to feel superior or righteous. Criticism implies "I know better than you" or "I know what is good for you". Neither statement is true. You may see things differently than another person. You may be able to be more objective about some issues. The closer someone is to you, the more likely you are to criticize them. Criticism occurs whenever you think you have enough knowledge, authority or power to pressure someone to change in order to meet your expectations of them and follow your rules for life. It says, “Be like I want you to be.”.

Criticism can often be recognized by "forewarning words" such as "Why can't you", "Why don't you", "You should" or "You never (or always)”. Because it is perfectly normal to resent criticism, most people don't listen seriously to whatever is said after those warning words.

Instead, people who are criticized react in one of three ways:

1) They feel crushed by criticism, becoming depressed and compliant,

2) They blow up at the other person without stopping to think what they've heard (for example, "How dare you....")

3) They look for a vulnerable spot in that other person and “attack” them back.

There is no evidence that criticism results in something constructive. But you do see results such as resentment, hurt, depression, relationship breakdown, abusive behavior, character assassination and violence.

What then is the difference between criticism and feedback?

Criticism is getting even. Feedback is giving an honest and accurate description of what you see happening, but without any judgment. Feedback involves totally owning your own observations and feelings. It involves sharing them, but as information not to direct or control. If you honestly tell someone what you see them doing, you're not insisting they change. But you hope they will consider and evaluate the information you've given them. With feedback, you don't accuse a person of making you feel a certain way. You share what you feel, not blaming them or holding them responsible for your feelings. You are making them more aware.

Listen to yourself the next time you talk to someone. Are you giving feedback or are you criticizing? You may have to look closely to spot the difference! We're so used to criticizing, that half the time we don't realize we're doing it. If you want your relationships to be healthy and happy, work at giving more feedback and much less criticism.

Constructive feedback is information-specific, issue-focused, and based on observations. It comes in two varieties:

Positive feedback is news or input to an employee about an effort well done.

Negative feedback is news to an employee about an effort that needs improvement. Negative feedback doesn't mean a terrible performance, rather a performance in which the outcomes delivered should/could be better. So negative isn't a negative word in this case.

Praise and criticism are personal judgments about a performance effort or outcome.

The information given is general and vague, focused on the person, and based on opinions or feelings.

The following examples help show the difference between constructive feedback (either positive or negative) and praise/criticism:

Praise: You did a great job on that project. Good work.

Positive feedback: The contributions you made on this project were a big help. I noticed that the work you produced was thorough and accurate. In addition, whenever I needed help in coordinating the team and managing the project schedule, you stepped in and covered for me or gave me assistance, which kept the team and the project on schedule. When team members had questions, you were available to help get them answers. Thanks so much for your contributions in helping make this project a success.

Criticism: You were not much help on this project. You were really ineffective. I hope this isn't the best you can do.

Negative feedback: Here are the concerns I have regarding your assistance on this project. As I explained at the beginning of the project, your services were needed to help coordinate the project management in terms of keeping people focused on their assignments and on the schedule. I did not see much effort of coordination occurring. For example, many of the team members came to me with questions about assignments and schedule issues, often after they could not get answers from you. Most of the time, I noticed that you were working on your part of the project, but the interactions with the others about the overall project and its progress were not evident. When I asked you to cover for me at three of the meetings, each of the meetings ended after a brief time with no minutes or action items produced. Delays have occurred in the project, and we'll now require everyone's attention to get back on track.

The two types of constructive feedback come across as far more objective, specific, and nonjudgmental than simple praise and criticism. Because constructive feedback is based on observations in specific terms about issues of performance, it's not a right or wrong. It is specific. It is like a navigation system (GPS) that simply tells you how to get back on course.

Constructive feedback encourages a discussion after the person gets the feedback. As a result, you and your employee can learn more about the situation and, if needed, set a positive course of action for the future.

How to Deliver Feedback (not Criticism)

In a work environment, when you need to change a particular behavior by delivering criticism in the form of feedback, typically talk to the person one-on-one in a distraction-free environment.  [No cell phone, no Blackberry, no other people around, etc.]  Be direct in announcing the subject of the discussion, but don’t make it sound like a bashing.  And after announcing the subject, start off by talking about related things that the person does really well.  In other words, make sure the employee knows that he is valued as a member of the team, and why… what they do well, etc.   Then it is time to deliver the feedback, phrase it in the form of a question so that the answer the employee gives contains the desired feedback.   And if (for whatever reason) they don’t “get it“, then explain by framing how the person can possibly obtain a better or more optimal result.

Feedback Guidelines In general

Source: www.leadandconnect.com, feedback guidelines, 2013

Set standards: Ask your team in advance, how they want to be criticized and have daily procedures in place: For all projects and even for every single job it has to be clear what a good job is. After the job has been done, it should be the norm for everyone to give and to take feedback. A well-established feedback-loop is crucial for the growth of your business and high quality standards.

Focus on solutions rather than on problems. Rather, ask “how can we solve it” than “who’s done it”, because it’s a waste of energy to dwell on blame. Create an atmosphere where people are allowed to make mistakes and remind yourself and your team that it is as normal to talk about them as to make them. Mistakes are a natural part of learning.

How to give feedback

· Do it in a well-balanced way: Don’t just give negative feedback and criticize, also give positive feedback.

· When you give negative feedback/criticize, explain why: Because you want to have the best quality for your clients and the success of your business depends on it.

· Do it face to face, privately and in confidence. If you work virtually, phone the person, don’t just send an email.

· Be kind and respectful, don’t wait too long and build up frustration.

· Speak for yourself (I didn’t like...), not on behalf of others (We all had problems with your...)

· Be positive. Rather tell them what they should do than what they shouldn’t.

· Be specific, focus on a specific task and give examples, for example not: “you are always so slow”, but: “you needed two hours to write this letter, actually that’s too long, what was the problem?”

· Relate to actions. Never criticize the person, only the actions and behavior.

· Choose a good time. Perhaps it is not a good idea to do it in the evening when everybody is tired.

· Separate observable behavior from your evaluation and give them a chance for an explanation, for example don’t just say: “I am so disappointed, this will have consequences...” first say: “You didn’t send the client our proposal this morning. I got a phone call, he is really upset. What was the reason for not sending it?”

How to receive feedback

· Don’t ask for feedback unless you really want it. If a team member “takes the risk” and offers criticism/negative feedback, make sure that you always acknowledge their bravery. Don’t underestimate the imbalance of power, even if you are very good friends with your team. One or two funny reactions on feedback and you won’t get it any more.

· Listen and hear the person out.

 · Ask questions just for clarification and to be clear what the person wants you to change

· Don’t be defensive and don’t justify yourself – whatever the reason, the effect your behavior had on the other person will be the same unless you change something.

· Keep in mind that feedback is useful. It can help you to grow, to perform and communicate more effectively.

· Tell the other person when you can’t take any more. Perhaps you don’t feel very well or you’ve had a hard day. Take the freedom to ask if the person could come back to you the following day. Make clear that you are interested in getting feedback, but that actual moment is not a good time for you to do it.

More likely: