Self-Management in 52 Weeks: Learn to say „no“
Learning to say both yes and no at the right moment embodies
assertiveness and fearlessness. As adults, we are expected to take
responsibility for ourselves. It comes down to being conscientious in our
decisions.
Success is often built on a habit of saying “yes” to opportunities that
come our way. It is about making decisions that move us toward the most
important things in our lives.
Yet time and again we say yes too quickly. We don’t have our eyes and
thoughts on the most important goals in our lives (like spending more time with
the family) and get caught in a trap of unsatisfying diversions like saying yes
to heading the PTA, organizing the golf tournament or becoming chairwoman of
the umteenth committee.
Keeping focus is one of the hardest things to do, but it’s a necessity
to get where you want to be, and the ability to say “no” when needed is an
important tool that helps us get to that place. We begin every day knowing
we’re not going to get everything done. So how we spend our time is a key
strategic decision.
“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got
to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the
hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m
actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done.
Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.”
Steve Jobs
Below are
common reasons why people find it hard to say no:
1. They want to help. They don’t want to turn the person away and also want to help whereever
possible, even if it costs precious time.
2. Afraid of being rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where saving face is important.
3. Wanting to be agreeable. This also entails the fear of alienating yourself from the group.
4. Fear of conflict. We like to avoid ugly confrontations. The dissent created might lead to
negative consequences in the future.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing
doors. This could be a “once in a lifetime chance”.
6. Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges
being burned and relationships severed. Besides, as social beings, we are
dependent on each other’s help. If I don’t say yes now, you might say no later.
Saying no to others
„Saying “no” has more creative power than ideas, insights and talent
combined. NO guards time, the thread from which we weave our creations. The
math of time is simple: you have less than you think and need more than you
realize. We are not taught to say “no.” We are taught not to say “no.” “No” is rude. “No” is a
rebuff, a rebuttal, a minor act of verbal violence. “No” is for drugs and
strangers with candy.
People who
create know this. They know the world is all strangers with candy. They know
how to say “no” and they know how to suffer the consequences. Charles Dickens,
rejecting an invitation from a friend:
“‘It is only half an hour’ — ‘It is only an afternoon’ — ‘It is only an evening,’ people say
to me over and over again; but they don’t know that it is impossible to command
one’s self sometimes to any stipulated and set disposal of five minutes — or that the mere consciousness of an engagement will sometime worry a
whole day … Who ever is devoted to an art must be content to deliver himself
wholly up to it, and to find his recompense in it. I am grieved if you suspect
me of not wanting to see you, but I can’t help it; I must go in my way whether
or no.”“
Source: https://medium.com/thoughts-on-creativity/bad7c34842a2
(Kevin Ashton)
It is useful to have an “arsenal” of answers to people who ask for
something. There are ways to say no to others that retain the relationship and
don’t burn bridges.
Here are a few you can try:
“Let me think about it first (check my calendar/obligations) and I’ll
get back to you.” Specify a
date / time-range (say, „Friday at 10“, „in 2 weeks“) where the person can
expect a reply. This gives you a chance to review your schedule, as well as
your feelings about saying "yes" to another commitment, do a
cost-benefit analysis, and then get back to them with a yes or no. Most
importantly, this tactic helps you avoid letting yourself be pressured into overscheduling your life and taking on too much stress.
“I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”
“No, I can’t.” („I’m up to the gills in obligations!“)
„I’d be happy to do that if you could do _____________ for me first.“
„I can’t spare the time to do it all but I could do _______________.“
If you would really like to do what they’re requesting, but don’t have
the time (or are having trouble accepting that you don’t), it’s fine to say, “I
can’t do this, but I can do part…” and
mention a lesser commitment that you can make. This way you’ll still be
partially involved, but it will be on your own terms.
„I can’t do it now but try .....(alternatives/options)“
“I’m sorry, but this just doesn’t
fit with my schedule right now," and change the subject.
“Nope, never as long as I live”
or “Not in this life!”. I use this one if anybody asks me to translate
something for them, since I speak German and English. I don’t translate well
and I hate doing it. It takes FOREVER! Feeling the aversion makes it easy for
me to say, well screech, „NO!“.
Photographer Richard Avedon: “Sorry — too little
time left.”
Apologies, I can’t ________. I’ve
been running on empty and need some time to recharge this weekend.
I’m not the best person to help you with _________ because
my current passion/obligation is ___________.
What makes saying no difficult?
If it is an alleged opportunity, our emotions and thoughts can go crazy
and are difficult to handle. These emotions can be subtle:
a twinge of regret, a trace of anxiety, a faint voice that whispers, “Are you sure you want to turn this down?” We often react instinctively to these
emotions, driven to eliminate the discomfort they evoke. So we say “yes” and
feel some relief—until later, when we realize the costs of the commitment we’ve
now made.
A critical
step in managing these emotions is training ourselves to resist that initial
reflexive response; we need to become more comfortable with discomfort. We perceive the discomfort provoked by the
possibility of saying “no,” and yet we can tolerate
it. We’re not compelled to take action to eliminate it (by saying yes). This
takes the intensity out of the offer and we can take time to weigh the pros and
cons. And success in this effort is
founded on the ability to manage the emotions that come up when we close a door
or extinguish an option.
Don’t we all
know stories about people offered a “sure thing”, an “amazing opportunity” if
they decided immediately. They did, and they lost.
Vital Questions
Before taking on the next commitment (even if it is “only” picking up
the dry cleaning for your spouse), ask yourself the following questions:
Do you
absolutely have to do whatever it is you are contemplating taking on?
Do you
really and truly want to do it?
What’s in it for you?
How much
time do you have to devote to something you’d like?
What will you have to give up to spend time on this new endeavor?
Saying no to ourselves
"Self-boundaries"
are mature limits that create healthy relationships with yourself,
others, food, exercise, love, etc. There are so many of us who live lives of
excess via how we eat, what we share with others, how much we drink or buy, and
mismanage time at work, among other things.
The ability to hold off doing something after you've developed the
intention to do it, we might call "free won't" as opposed to free
will. One of the
most difficult things to overcome is our own entitled thinking. Thinking we
have some right to have an easier, wealthier, less stressful life. Denial is
also a stealthy opponent (“One little candy bar won’t hurt. I’ll burn off the
calories by walking to the car.”).
It starts
with thinking, “I’m going to do a quick workout at home instead of going to the
gym today, it’s been a long day”. Then it becomes, “I’ll save my workout for
tomorrow since I don’t have what I need to do my workout here”.
It is easy
to see how your internal boundaries (ability to say no to yourself) eventually
get trampled down to nothing, until your body gets trampled down to nothing but
flab.
Make a
commitment to exercise your ability to say no to yourself. Refuse to give in to
self-defeating excuses.
When you say
no to yourself you are recognizing the need for self-control. Saying no to
yourself gets easier with time and is a very rewarding process. You will begin
to slowly feel better about yourself with each win. Building up an ability to
say no to yourself takes time.
Take an inventory of the destructive
results of your inability to set boundaries. Some of these may include anxiety,
weight gain, relationship struggles, anger, rage, isolation, or work problems.
Once you've taken inventory, write down what you discovered.
Magic Words
In a
research study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, 120 students were
split into two different groups. The difference between these two groups was
saying “I can’t” compared to “I don’t.” One group was told that each time they
were faced with a temptation, they would tell themselves “I can’t do X.” For
example, when tempted with ice cream, they would say, “I can’t eat ice cream.”
When the second group was faced with a temptation, they were told to say “I
don’t do X.” For example, when tempted with ice cream, they would say, “I don’t
eat ice cream.”
After
repeating these phrases, each student answered a set of questions unrelated to
the study. Once they finished answering their questions, the students went to
hand in their answer sheet, thinking that the study was over. In reality, it
was just beginning. As each student walked out of the room and handed in their
answer sheet, they were offered a complimentary treat. The student could choose
between a chocolate candy bar or a granola health bar. As the student walked
away, the researcher would mark their snack choice on the answer sheet.
Here’s
what happened:
The
students who told themselves “I can’t eat X” chose to eat the chocolate candy
bar 61% of the time. Meanwhile, the students who told themselves “I don’t eat
X” chose to eat the chocolate candy bars only 36% of the time. This simple
change in terminology significantly improved the odds that each person would
make a more healthy food choice.
The
same researchers were also interested in how the words “can’t” and “don’t”
affect our willingness to say no when faced with repeated temptations and
distractions. After all, most of us can turn down a candy bar once, but
eventually we slip up. Similarly, you might be able to focus on your work when
you’re pressed for time, but what about avoiding unproductive behaviors on a
daily basis? In other words, is there a way to say no that makes it more likely
that we’ll stick to good habits and avoid bad ones? You bet!
The
researchers designed a new study by asking 30 working women to sign up for a
“health and wellness seminar.” All of the women were told to think of a
long-term health and wellness goal that was important to them. Then, the
researchers split the women into three groups of 10.
Group
1 was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on their goals they should
“just say no.” This group was the control group because they were given no
specific strategy. Group 2 was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on
their goals, they should implement the “can’t” strategy. For example, “I can’t
miss my workout today.” Group 3 was told that anytime they felt tempted to
lapse on their goals, they should implement the “don’t” strategy. For example,
“I don’t miss workouts.”
For
the next 10 days, each woman received an email asking to report her progress.
They were specifically told, “During the 10-day window you will receive emails
to remind you to use the strategy and to report instances in which it worked or
did not work. If the strategy is not working for you, just drop us a line and
say so and you can stop responding to the emails.” Here’s what the results
looked like 10 days later:
Group
1 (the “just say no” group) had 3 out of 10 members who persisted with their
goals for the entire 10 days.
Group
2 (the “can’t” group) had 1 out of 10 members who persisted with her goal for
the entire 10 days.
Group
3 (the “don’t” group) had an incredible 8 out of 10 members who persisted with
their goals for the entire 10 days.
The
words that you use not only help you to make better choices on an individual
basis, but also make it easier to stay on track with your long-term goals.
Why
“I Don’t” Works Better Than “I Can’t”
Your
words help to frame your sense of empowerment and control. Furthermore, the
words that you use create a feedback loop in your brain that impacts your
future behaviors. For example, every time you tell yourself “I can’t,” you’re
creating a feedback loop that's a reminder of your limitations. This
terminology indicates that you’re forcing yourself to do something you don’t
want to do. In comparison, when you tell yourself “I don’t,” you’re creating a
feedback loop that reminds you of your control and power over the situation.
It’s a phrase that can propel you towards breaking your bad habits and following
your good ones.
Heidi
Grant Halvorson is the director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia
University. Here’s how she explains the difference between saying “I don’t”
compared to “I can’t”:
“I
don’t” is experienced as a choice, so it feels empowering. It’s an affirmation
of your determination and willpower. “I can’t” isn’t a choice. It’s a
restriction, it’s being imposed upon you. So thinking “I can’t” undermines your
sense of power and personal agency.
In
other words, the phrase “I don’t” is a psychologically empowering way to say
no, while the phrase “I can’t” is a psychologically draining way to say no.
There
are situations everyday when you need to say no to something. For example, the
waiter who offers you a dessert menu, or the urge to skip a workout and stay
home, or the distracting call of texts, tweets, and updates when you should be
focusing on something important. Individually, our responses to these little
choices seem insignificant, which is why we don’t make a big deal about telling
ourselves that we “can’t” do something. But imagine the cumulative effect of
choosing more empowering words on a consistent basis.
“I
can’t” and “I don’t” are words that seem similar and we often interchange them
for one another, but psychologically they can provide very different feedback
and, ultimately, result in very different actions. They aren’t just words and
phrases. They are affirmations of what you believe, reasons for why you do what
you do, and reminders of where you want to go.
The
ability to overcome temptation and effectively say no is critical not only to
your physical health, but also for your daily productivity and mental health.
To put it simply: you can either be the victim of your words or the architect
of them. Which one would you prefer?
Source: http://lifehacker.com/a-scientific-guide-to-saying-no-1293242273
In their book The Power of Full Engagement, Jim
Loehr and Tony Schwartz describe a study in which a group of women agreed to do
a breast self-exam during a period of 30 days. 100% of those who said where and
when they were going to do it completed the exam. Only 53% of
the others did.
In another study, drug
addicts in withdrawal (can you find a more stressed-out population?) agreed to
write an essay before 5 p.m. on a certain day. 80% of those who said when and where they would write the essay
completed it. None of the others did.
If you want to get something
done, decide when and where you’re going to do it. Otherwise, take it off your
list.
Day 1: Saying no without reflection comes from a lack of clarity (goals,
highest priorities, values, wants, wishes) and leads to over-commitment. We end up disappointing people,
exhausting and frustrating ourselves, or failing completely. To avoid this we need to
learn to say “no” respectfully but decisively, maintaining the relationship
while making it explicit that this is one opportunity we’re not choosing to
pursue.
Today, create a to-do list and an ignore list. Remember your priorities
and important goals. How much time, energy and interest do you have left over?
You could use these “reserves” for saying “yes” in small portions. If you have
no reserves, don’t say yes to anything for the moment!
Day 2: The vaguer our sense of priorities, the quicker we are to say yes
to things that will probably get others to their goals but not we to ours!!
Remember that there are only so many hours in the day. This means that
whatever you choose to take on limits your ability to do other things. So even
if you somehow could fit a new
commitment into your schedule, if it’s not more important than what you would
have to give up to do it (including time for relaxation, self care and healthy
relationships), you really don’t have
the time in your schedule.
Today, start small by finding something minor to say "no" to,
and say it firmly. Say it politely, but mean it!
Day 3: For one week, keep track of how many times you say yes to something
that is not on your list of most
important goals/values. Choose to spend your time and energy on things that
bring you joy and make decisions based on what you want and need instead of
what others want.
Day 4: How much time do you spend on projects and activities that you really don't want to do simply because you are uncomfortable saying no? Do you volunteer out of a sense of obligation and guilt rather from passion and excitement? Are you driven, perhaps, by a need to take charge, look good, save face or gain the approval of other people?
Make today your „NO!“ day. Tell your family, friends
and co-workers not to even bother asking. If your boss shows up, tell him/her
„Sure I’ll make the thousand copies of the yearly report. Here is my list of
priorities for today. What two things can be deleted so I’ll have time to take
care of your request?“
Day 5: Even before turning on your computer, sit
down with a blank piece of paper and decide what will make this day highly
successful. What can you realistically accomplish that will further your goals
and allow you to leave at the end of the day feeling like you’ve been
productive and successful? Write those things down.
Now, most importantly, take
your calendar and schedule those things into time slots, placing the hardest
and most important items at the beginning of the day. And by the beginning of
the day I mean before even checking your email. If your entire
list does not fit into your calendar, reprioritize your list. There is
tremendous power in deciding when and where you are going to do something.
Refocus. Set your watch, phone, or computer to ring every hour.
When it rings, take a deep breath, look at your list and ask yourself if you
spent your last hour productively. Then look at your calendar and deliberately
recommit to how you are going to use the next hour. Manage your day hour by
hour.
Review. Shut off your computer and review your day. What
worked? Where did you focus? Where did you get distracted? Was someone able to
lure a “yes” out of you when you really wanted to say “no”?
The people around you may be accustomed to your compliance, but if
they're not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really
worth having in your life? To what extent are you willing to restrict your
openness to being used by others? Take a look around you. Who are the people
that dare to say no? Have you noticed that the people who can’t say no are the
ones who are asked first?!
Have a relaxed weekend. Don’t say no to this one!
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