Turn Your „Shouldn’t“ into „I Will“ Power!

Surfing the Urge Wave - Turn Your „Shouldn’t“ into „I Will“ Power!

Most bad habits are an attempt to meet a need, whether it’s reducing stress, having fun, or seeking approval. You can get the focus off of prohibiting your bad habit by replacing it with a new (healthy) habit. Ask yourself “What could I do instead of the “I shouldn’t” behavior that might satisfy the same needs?”.

What positive habit, that you might be doing instead, would get you further toward your real goals?

Most of our addictions and distractions take time and energy away from something else we could be doing. Try focusing on that missed opportunity. I am now, for instance, “learning” to cook really healthy, tasty food. Food that makes me go “WOW!” more than any of the junk I pour in. The best results are achieved if I have all these good things ready when I get back home hungry. Then I can dive into the goodies without the guilt.

How about reframing your shouldn’t into “I will”?

I used to have quite a problem with lateness. I knew exactly how to arrive on time yet, in the end, I didn’t do what was necessary. Then I changed my goal from “not being late” to “being there 10 minutes early and read my Kindle” or “being the first one there” so I could prepare mentally or just plain relax.

If I need to get my kitchen cleaned up, I have a race with the kitchen timer or the commercial break on TV! I usually win. Changing the “must” to “I can nail this!” is a winning mental technique.

Surfing the Urge

Urge surfing is a term coined by Alan Marlatt as part of a program of relapse prevention he developed for people recovering from addictions to alcohol and other drugs. 

Urges rarely last for very long. In fact, they almost never last for longer than about 30 minutes (if even that long), if there is no opportunity get what you shouldn’t have. If there is no opportunity, there is no internal struggle. It is this internal struggle that feeds the cravings.

Trying to fight cravings is like trying to block a waterfall. We end up being knocked over. With the mindfulness approach, we step aside and watch the water (cravings, impulses & urges) just whoosh right past. Instead of trying to distract from or argue with the unpleasant thoughts, feelings or urges, mindfulness simply makes the thoughts, feelings or urges less important. When we use mindfulness, we stay exposed to the thoughts feelings or urges for their natural duration without feeding or repressing them.
 

In fact, if we just let an urge be – non judgmentally – without feeding it or fighting it (Fighting it is just another way of feeding it anyway.), then it will crest subside and pass.
Each time you overcome a bout of cravings they become less intense and less frequent if you don’t feed the urges and if you don’t give in to it.

Urges do go away, but they may be very strong at the beginning. Knowing that they will weaken will help you to continue to surf the impulses that you feel, especially in response to your personal triggers.

Riding the Crave Wave - the idea of watching cravings come and go

Purpose

To experience the cravings in a new way and to “ride them out” until they go away

Preparation

1. Remember that urges pass by themselves.
2. Imagine that urges are like ocean waves that arrive, crest, and subside. They are small when they start, will grow in size, and then will break up and dissipate.
3. Practice mindfulness regularly and especially notice any impulses or urges that appear. Then we are well prepared to ride these waves without giving in to the urge.

How to Urge Surf

1) Practice mindfulness

• Watch  your breathing. Don’t alter it. Let the breath breathe itself.
• Notice your thoughts.
• Without judging them, feeding them or fighting them gently bring your attention back to the breath. 

(2) Notice the craving experience as it affects the body.

• Focus on one area where the urge is being felt and noticing what is occurring.
• Notice quality, position, boundaries & intensity of the sensation
• Notice how these change with the in-breath and out-breath
• Repeat the focusing process with each part of the body involved.
• Be curious about what occurs and notice changes over time.

The key is replacing the anxious wish that craving will go away with interest in and attention to the experience. When you do this, you'll notice the cravings change, crest and subside like waves in the ocean.

 

Resolving to change is not change

The danger of feel-good resolutions

We get a real high when we resolve to change. It gives us a rush of hope and that feels great.

Regrettably, the promise of change seldom forks out what we are expecting. Optimism might make us feel good in the moment of decision (“Tomorrow, I am stopping smoking/ overeating/ procrastinating…YEAH!!”) and the decision to change is the ultimate instant gratification.

But the challenge of actually making a change can be a rude awakening. After experiencing the first stumbling blocks, our original feel-good rush is often chased away by disappointment and dissatisfaction.

This “false hope syndrome” (Polivy & Herman) fails as a strategy for change. This is a strategy for feeling better (dopamine rush) but not a strategy for long-lasting motivation. Resolving to change is the best part of the change process for many people. It makes you feel strong, almost invincible.

After that, it is all downhill – having to say no or yes despite urges, using self-control and self-discipline. Yuk, that’s no fun. It’s much more fun to cash in on the promise of change, without the soggy business of following through.

And because this is true, I am patiently waiting for my fitness center to get less crowded. This waiting period pops up every January and lasts until about the beginning of March. There is a fine line between the motivation we need to make a change, and the kind of unrealistic optimism that can sabotage our goals. We must avoid the trap of using the vow of change to fix our feelings, instead of dealing with our behaviors.