Compensating Unmet Needs
It’s been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Not
that nothing was going on. TOO much was going on!
I went over to Florida to sign at the closing of my
house. The evening before the closing, I was informed that the lady buying the
house hadn’t gotten her (second!) mortgage after all. So I waited for two more
weeks, the lady finally got her mortgage but I had to leave before the closing.
So I spent several thousand dollars for plane fare and food, and to live in
hotels for, well, nothing. I could have done the closing from Germany.
Back in Germany, I started a very intense period of
seminar and piano teaching, leading up to now. Add two courses in painting to
that. Too little fitness training. It was exhausting! Who was it who said to
downsize too many activities so life could be fully savored? Oh, was it I?!
In between all that, I proofread my newest book and was amazed at the mistakes still in it. I did this three times but still there were mistakes! Even some new ones! Now, my publisher informs me that she has sold the business and the new owners have decided to put off the launch of the book until March 2017! It's been at the publishers since 2011 and they are putting off the launch!! I'm flabbergasted!
I ordered a Murphy bed to sleep in when my airbnb
guests use my bedroom. It finally came and I finally found someone to put it
together. Five hours later, the bed was together but the bed “door” or flap
didn’t fit snugly into the frame. I can’t send the bed back so now I’m trying
to organize the repairs. Wouldn’t it be lovely if things fit the way they
should?
To prepare for the new bed, I needed to clear out two
metal shelves full of seminar materials and books. Some courses I haven’t given
in years yet I hadn’t “gotten around to” downsizing the materials – that is –
throwing the junk away. I had papers and books everywhere, which made me feel
uncomfortable and slightly anxious most of the time. I put the two shelves into
the kitchen and filled them with present seminar materials and cooking
equipment. Now I have the most intellectual kitchen going!
I’ve joined Weight Watchers to get help in downsizing
my kilos. Now I look at food and say “No, that is 17 points (Big Mac). I only
get 30 all day". I realized that
stress eating was going to get me into trouble and I needed help with the
journey to my healthy weight or I’d end up with diabetes like the rest of the
women in my family. I’m good at not spending more than I have so this system
fits right into that strength.
It’s funny how we compensate unmet needs with
unhealthy behavior. Why can’t it be “I am feeling stressed out tonight. Think
I’ll chomp into a crunchy cucumber.”??!
The Austrian
psychologist Alfred Adler (1870-1937) found that if a person feels inferior, or
weak, he is likely to try to compensate to hide the weakness, by doing
something else really well. Well, I snack "really well" in the evening. And eat cookies "pretty well" during the day. ;-)
Basic Human Emotional
Needs
Here are some of the
basic human emotional needs expressed as feelings. While all humans share these
needs, each differs in the strength of the need, just as some of us need more
water, more food or more sleep.
One person may need
more freedom and independence, another may need more security and social
connections. When a person's natural emotional needs are met, healthy behavior
naturally follows.
In various degrees,
each according to his or her own unique nature, we each have a natural
emotional need to feel:
accepted
acknowledged
admired
appreciated
approved of
believed in
capable
cared about
challenged
clear (not confused)
competent
confident
forgiven
forgiving
|
free
fulfilled
heard
helped
helpful
important
in control
included
listened to
loved
needed
noticed
powerful
|
The positive sides of
compensation
Compensation works as a
coping strategy that can cover up real or imagined deficiencies. While negative
compensation can make problems even worse, positive compensation may help a
person overcome personal difficulties. If compensation is dealt with in a
healthy manner it can be a positive and valuable force, thus leading to
personal growth. In such cases compensation, and the coping strategies aimed at
achieving personal goals, could be of great value both for the individual and
for society
Too much of anything is
a false fix for unmet needs. You need to find out 1)what do you need but aren't experiencing and 2) find healthy ways to meet that need.
Now, I’m sitting in my hotel room in Hildesheim,
relaxing after breakfast. It’s time for a break. This little town has a few
sights that I’ve wanted to see for a long time. In the end, it wasn’t as
spectacular as expected, yet nice. Later, I’ll drive to Worpswede, an artist’s
village close to Bremen. There, I’ll take part in a painting course for five
days and rejuvenate after the past months.
And reflect on ways to ease my perceived stress with
other ways than unhealthy ones. ;-D
