Stop procrastinating!

Stop procrastinating!

Emotion regulation is the whole story of procrastination.

I don’t feel like . . . I don’t want to . . . I’ll feel more like it tomorrow . . . are the lyrics to the procrastination song.  We might all sing it to a slightly different tune, but most of the tunes have that “poor little ol’ me” quality about them.

When we face a task for which we lack motivation, as evidenced by the “I don’t feel like it” thought, we face a choice. We can either move forward with the task despite the lack of motivation, or we can “go for the feel-good” by delaying the task now, with the delusion that we’ll do it at another time (and feel better then!). 

Delay comes at a cost.  Research shows that the hedonic boost we get from avoiding an unattractive task right now is short lived. We might give in to feel-good, but it doesn’t last. It’s what that Greeks called akrasia – weakness of will; acting contrary to what we know is in our best interest. It makes us feel weak and guilty.

When we get to that uncomfortable task during the day, we “don’t feel like it“ so we put it off. We needlessly delay the task despite expecting to be worse off for the delay. It may mean that the timely completion of the task was important and we’ll pay a cost for not getting it done on time, or it may mean that doing it later will result in something else getting pushed off.  For some people, life gets out of control because of this.

The key thing is that the only thing standing in the way of us doing an intended task is this – we don’t feel like it; we don’t want to.

Once you’ve acknowledged your negative feelings toward doing the task,  ask yourself, “what’s the next action?” Then do it. Or at least a small part of it. Often, once you start, the task loses much of its formidable facade. (Set the timer for 25 minutes, focus like crazy on the task and take a short, active break when the timer rings. Then jump back into the ring for another 25 minutes.)

Success is found in staying put, staying on task, getting the job done.

Maturity is recognizing that “not feeling like it” is not a reason, it’s an excuse.

Sleep Procrastination

Bedtime procrastination is defined as "failing to go to bed at the intended time, while no external circumstances prevent a person from doing so”.

A June 2014 study published by researchers at Utrecht University in the Netherlands found that 30% of their sample reported sleeping six hours or less on weeknights—significantly less than the seven to nine hours the National Sleep Foundation recommends for the average adult—even though 84% reported feeling that they slept too little at least once a week.

Just as we procrastinate when it comes to work, exercise, or other activities, we are probably also procrastinating when it’s time to go to bed.

So, how do we pry ourselves away from temptation and get to bed? It requires willingness, willpower, and good habits.

Observe yourself as you get varying amounts of sleep. Are you raring to go after six hours or do you need eight just to function well? Then, work backward to find your ideal sleep time, starting with your wake-up time. Do you get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym? Do you work flex hours that let you sleep until 8 a.m.? Use your own circumstances and needs to determine your best sleep situation.

How much sleep do you NEED to feel alert and rested? Most people need between 6 1/2 and 8 hours of sleep. My experience with teaching stress management seminars is that many, many people are living and trying to work despite a chronic sleep deficit.

The Utrecht University study found that people who aren’t good at self-regulation were more likely to procrastinate at bedtime. So, set a time to power-down devices and stick to it as much as possible.

1. Figure out how much sleep you need.
2. Around what time would you need to be in bed to guarantee that you will probably sleep enough?
3. Work back from that time to find out when you need to start your “get ready for bed” ritual.
4. Try this out for a few nights and evaluate your energy and motivation levels.
5. Tweak your ritual and  sleep time so that you feel great in the morning.

Maybe, just maybe, you will stop procrastinating during the day, too.

View your Stuff!

Okay, so my Kanban board has a few "Eat that Frog" tasks on it. Those are not so fun and/or have many steps until finished.

 I attacked one of those "Frogs" yesterday. I took out all my shoes, cleaned the storage shelves and closet, gave shoes I've had for a long time to a needy family and polished all the shoes before putting them back.

Now, I have a rule that I have to wear every pair I own at least once in the next six months or the ones not worn are out of there!

My next frog is doing the same clearance with my clothes. That is much more difficult because I have two closets full. Actually, two closets and a hanging rack. Ummm, plus the jackets hanging on the door...

It is important to look at your stuff at least once a year. Every little thing. And evaluate how much you USE them, not how much they cost! (For inspiration, watch a TV show about hoarding and Messies!)

What are your frogs? When are you going to get started doing them?

How the Best get Better

One of my special interests is reading research on mastery and improving personal competence. There is a lot of literature out there and one book by K. Anders Ericsson explains the importance of deliberate practice. He claims that talent is overrated and each of us determine our potential, in other words, potential is not set in stone. If we keep working, our “potential” gets greater.

Purposeful, deliberate practice

Deliberate practice is purposeful practice that knows where it is going and how to get there.

The right sort of practice carried out over a sufficient period of time leads to improvement. Nothing else.

Increase in the amount of time devoted to training, combined with a growing sophistication of training techniques leads to improved results.

Research has shown that, generally speaking, once a person reaches that level of “acceptable” performance and automaticity, the additional years of “experience” don’t lead to improvement. Automated abilities gradually deteriorate in the absence of deliberate efforts to improve. You have to push yourself to get better.

 Purposeful practice has several characteristics that set it apart from what we might call naïve practice, which is essentially just doing something repeatedly, and expecting that the repetition alone will improve one’s performance.

 Purposeful practice is much more deliberate, thoughtful and focused. It has the following characteristics:

- Deliberate practice involves well-defined, specific goals and often involves improving some aspect of the target performance; it is not aimed at some vague overall improvement.  It knows where it is going and how to get there. Developing a plan for making a series of small changes that will add up to the desired larger change is the key.

- Purposeful practice has well-defined, specific goals. For instance, “Play the piece (or section) all the way through at the proper speed without a single mistake three times in a row” if you are a pianist; “Learn to type at 75 words per minute with no mistakes.”.

Without such a goal, there is no way to judge whether the practice session has been a success. A well-defined, specific goal, broken down into baby steps if necessary, plus a plan: What exactly do you need to do to … (play at performance tempo/play three time without a mistake, place the golf drive 5 times to the right…) What exactly will you do to get there? You will need to figure out what is preventing you from reaching this goal.

The key thing is to take that general goal – get better – and turn it into something specific that you can work on with a realistic expectation of improvement.

- Purposeful practice is focused. You seldom improve much (if at all) without giving the task your full attention with conscious actions. You must concentrate on the specific goal for the practice activity so that adjustments can be made to control practice.

 - You need feedback from someone – yourself, your teacher, your friend, a recording, a colleague or a parent. You have to 1) know when you are doing “it” right and, 2) you need help to find out how to do “it” correctly if you are wrong. Simple, direct feedback after every attempt – correct or incorrect, success or failure is important. “How many times did you play/type/do it correctly?”

- Purposeful practice requires getting out of one’s comfort zone. This is perhaps the most important part of deliberate practice. Most students show no signs of ever pushing themselves beyond what is familiar, comfortable and relatively easy. Actually, most adults don’t either!

This approach just doesn’t work.

This is a fundamental truth about any sort of practice: If you never push yourself beyond your comfort zone, you will never improve. Playing the same set of songs in exactly the same way over and over again may accumulate many “practice” hours, but will never lead to mastery and unconscious excellence. Hitting a few balls is fun but won’t help you improve. Typing with two fingers may “work” but your typing takes much longer.

That’s a recipe for stagnation, not improvement.

Getting out of your comfort zone means trying to do something that you couldn’t do before. It means constantly trying things that are just beyond current abilities. It demands near-maximal effort, which is generally not enjoyable. Finding ways around barriers is one of the keys to purposeful practice.  It is surprisingly rare to get clear evidence in any field that a person has reached some immutable limit on performance.

People more often just give up and stop trying to improve. It’s comfortable this way.

Maintaining the focus and the effort required by purposeful practice is hard work, and it is generally not fun. Some people are able to motivate themselves anyway. Most don’t and never reach their full potential. 

But it’s important to remember that the option exists. If you wish to become significantly better at something, you can.

The goal is not just to reach your potential but to build it, to make things possible that were not possible before. This requires challenging homeostasis – getting out of your comfort zone -  and forcing your brain and your body to adapt.

This is how the Best get Better: goal-oriented hard work that doesn’t stop. Michael Phelps wrote in his book that he NEVER missed his workouts at the pool unless he was injured. Even then he rode the stationary bicycle, the most boring activity in the world according to him. Zappos’ CEO Tony Hsieh writes in “Delivering Happiness” about passionate engagement and customer oriented company culture.

Most people think that successful people were lucky or that opportunities just fell into their laps. What they don’t know is the bone-breaking work put into being a success, however you define it.

I’ve been using my personal Kanban board to improve my organization skills and get procrastinated tasks DONE. It’s fun working with the board yet the tasks remain unattractive. That’s when I can really test my ability to leave my comfort zone and use the technique of breaking obnoxious tasks into smaller chunks.

The Butterfly Effect

Each year, when January 1^st rolls around, people resolve to stop smoking, start exercising, get more sleep, get more done, stop procrastinating, eat more vegetables, and (insert your favorite perennial goal here).

And, here we are in December again, racing around (or maybe not?) with Xmas stress, getting “just this last thing” done.

What if this New Year, you just don’t give up? What if you stuck to your New Year’s resolutions until they become positive habits, and then become an even better version of YOU.

Regular training (carrying out your resolution) leads to changes in the parts of the brain that are challenged by the training. The brain adapts to these challenges by rewiring itself in ways that increase its ability to carry out the functions required by the challenges.

But the cognitive and physical changes caused by training require upkeep. Become irregular or stop training all together, and they start to go away.

The reason that most people don’t possess extraordinary capabilities isn’t because they don’t have the capacity for them, but rather because they are satisfied to live in the comfortable rut of homeostasis (same ol’ same ol’), and never do the work that is required to get out of it. They live in the ho-hum world of “adequate”. We learn enough to get by in our day-to-day lives, but once we reach that point, we seldom push to go beyond ‘good enough’. We do very little that challenges our brains to develop new gray matter or to rewire entire sections.

It’s comfortable that way.

Doing the same thing over and over again in exactly the same way is not a recipe for improvement; it is a recipe for stagnation and gradual decline. Unless you are doing things specifically designed to improve, trying harder will not get you very far. Willpower will drift away.

Yet it’s important to remember that the option exists. If you wish to become significantly better at something, you can. If you want to lose weight and keep it off, never give up. Do you want to become really good at golf or tennis? Find a coach, do what he says, and practice a lot. Never give up.

The goal is not just to reach your potential, but to build and extend it, to make things possible that were not possible before. This requires challenging homeostasis – getting out of your comfort zone - and forcing your brain and your body to adapt.

Remember the Butterfly Effect, which is the idea, that small causes may have large effects.

Get out there and beat with your wings. Just don’t stop.

Reading Suggestion:  ‘Peak’ by K. Anders Ericsson

The Importance of Being Patient

FRUSTRATION HAPPENS. 

Every morning, noon, and night there are plenty of good reasons to be impatient. Another long line. Telemarketers. A goal isn’t materializing “fast enough.” People don’t do what they’re supposed to. The car in front of you is driving too slowly. The line at McDonalds is long and the lady at the cash register is slow. Rejection. Disappointment. How are you going to come to grips with it all? 

You can drive yourself wild, behave angrily, feel ill-treated, or try to force your will upon others -- all self-defeating reactions that alienate people and bring out the worst in them. 

Or, you can learn to transform frustration with patience.

Impatience is a central component of impulsiveness. Impatient behavior relates on decision-making tasks to changes in connectivity within the brain’s frontostriatal circuitry. Study results suggest that impatience can result from (i) disregard of future outcomes and/or (ii) oversensitivity to immediate rewards, but it is not known which of these evaluative processes underlie developmental changes. That is, impatient people are less aware of how their present behavior influences the future, especially in younger people.

Impatience is a feeling of agitation and intolerance triggered when your needs aren’t met; it’s tied to an inability to delay gratification. We’ve become accustomed to immediate results. Emails beam across the globe in seconds. Moms text messages to their kids to come in for dinner instead of calling from the front door. You can get the temperature in Bangkok or the Maui surf report with a swipe of the finger. Despite the digital age’s wonders, it has propagated an attitude with low tolerance for aggravation --not just when you accidentally delete a computer file, but in terms of how you approach relationships with others and with yourself. Without patience, you turn into your own (and others) worst taskmaster.

Patience doesn’t make you a doormat or unable to set boundaries with people. Rather, it lets you discern the situation to get a larger, more calm view to determine appropriate action.

Emotional Action Step: Self-Awareness

Try to practice self-awareness in those moments where you feel the greatest need for patience.

• Pay attention to what arises in you
• Notice where you feel the stress
• Listen to your thoughts
• Take note of your emotions
• Which need is not being met at this time?

Emotional Action Step: Practice Patience In A Long Line

To turn the tables on impatience, find a long, slow-moving line to wait in. It might even “find” you! Perhaps in the grocery store, bank, post office, on the highway to work. Here’s the key: Instead of getting irritated or pushy, which taxes your system with a rush of stress hormones, take a breath. Breathe out slowly. Repeat. Tell yourself, “I’m going to wait calmly and enjoy the break.” Meanwhile, try to empathize with the overwrought cashier or sluggish employee. Smile and say a few nice words to the harried people in line. Use the time to daydream; take a vacation from work or other obligations. Notice the stress release you feel, how your body relaxes. Lines are an excellent strengthening ground for patience. To reinforce this asset, remain standing in as much as possible.

Practicing patience will help you dissipate stress and give you a choice about how you respond to disappointment and frustration. When you can stay calm, centered and not behave rashly out of impatience, all areas of your life will improve. Patience is really more of a skill—one that can be learned yet needs constant nurturing.

Regardless of what other people do or think, you have a choice in how you allow it to affect you. Your mind may leap to negative perceptions and reactions, your body may almost certainly register a response, but you are the source of it all. Ultimately you can tap into your stillness, your special peace.

Om...

Steps to Real Awesomeness

Pick Your One Thing

Most of us overestimate our awesomeness. And, if we are lucky enough to get competent feedback, we feel defensive.

Maybe we should be thankful.

To become your “Best Self”, you need people who are aware of your weaknesses or bad habits and are willing to help you view a potential blind spot.

Once you get the truth, what do you do?

Prepare a hierarchy list of behaviors you would like to improve. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. One the left side, put down all the skills you want to improve. On the right side, on a scale of one to ten, write down (for each skill) how much more awesome your life and/or work would be if you really improved at it.

Then start with the skill sporting the highest number and get to work. Get books, get help, get a coach, take a seminar… Do everything you can think of to improve just this One Thing.

Years ago, I did this with procrastination and I worked on this one thing faithfully. Now, I rarely, if ever, put things off.  If I do, it is a strategic decision and has everything to do with priorities.

Now, I am working on Emotional Resilience.  If someone insults me or treats me badly, I am learning to let go of it. I don’t want to drag the bad feeling with me all day and evening. I don’t want to lose sleep because of it or wake in the middle of the night with “the perfect retort” I should have shot back.  If it isn’t something I need to resolve like a conflict with family or at work, it needs to be out of my life.

What is your ONE THING? What are you going to do starting today to make you splendid in this skill? Imagine how your life is when your are awesome at this ONE THING. Practice daily!! Don’t give up. Excellence is not inborn. You earn it through daily practice.

Plan what you are going to do toward this goal every day. Jump out of bed each morning, raise your arms up toward the sky and say:

“Today I’ll work on getting excellent at my ONE THING!”

And then do it.

Compensating Unmet Needs

Compensating Unmet Needs

It’s been a long time since I wrote in this blog. Not that nothing was going on. TOO much was going on!

I went over to Florida to sign at the closing of my house. The evening before the closing, I was informed that the lady buying the house hadn’t gotten her (second!) mortgage after all. So I waited for two more weeks, the lady finally got her mortgage but I had to leave before the closing. So I spent several thousand dollars for plane fare and food, and to live in hotels for, well, nothing. I could have done the closing from Germany.

Back in Germany, I started a very intense period of seminar and piano teaching, leading up to now. Add two courses in painting to that. Too little fitness training. It was exhausting! Who was it who said to downsize too many activities so life could be fully savored? Oh, was it I?!

In between all that, I proofread my newest book and was amazed at the mistakes still in it. I did this three times but still there were mistakes! Even some new ones! Now, my publisher informs me that she has sold the business and the new owners have decided to put off the launch of the book until March 2017! It's been at the publishers since 2011 and they are putting off the launch!! I'm flabbergasted!

I ordered a Murphy bed to sleep in when my airbnb guests use my bedroom. It finally came and I finally found someone to put it together. Five hours later, the bed was together but the bed “door” or flap didn’t fit snugly into the frame. I can’t send the bed back so now I’m trying to organize the repairs. Wouldn’t it be lovely if things fit the way they should?

To prepare for the new bed, I needed to clear out two metal shelves full of seminar materials and books. Some courses I haven’t given in years yet I hadn’t “gotten around to” downsizing the materials – that is – throwing the junk away. I had papers and books everywhere, which made me feel uncomfortable and slightly anxious most of the time. I put the two shelves into the kitchen and filled them with present seminar materials and cooking equipment. Now I have the most intellectual kitchen going!

I’ve joined Weight Watchers to get help in downsizing my kilos. Now I look at food and say “No, that is 17 points (Big Mac). I only get 30 all day".  I realized that stress eating was going to get me into trouble and I needed help with the journey to my healthy weight or I’d end up with diabetes like the rest of the women in my family. I’m good at not spending more than I have so this system fits right into that strength.

It’s funny how we compensate unmet needs with unhealthy behavior. Why can’t it be “I am feeling stressed out tonight. Think I’ll chomp into a crunchy cucumber.”??!

The Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler (1870-1937) found that if a person feels inferior, or weak, he is likely to try to compensate to hide the weakness, by doing something else really well. Well, I snack "really well" in the evening. And eat cookies "pretty well" during the day. ;-)

Basic Human Emotional Needs

Here are some of the basic human emotional needs expressed as feelings. While all humans share these needs, each differs in the strength of the need, just as some of us need more water, more food or more sleep.

One person may need more freedom and independence, another may need more security and social connections. When a person's natural emotional needs are met, healthy behavior naturally follows.

In various degrees, each according to his or her own unique nature, we each have a natural emotional need to feel:

accepted acknowledged  admired  appreciated approved of believed in capable  cared about challenged  clear (not confused)  competent  confident  forgiven forgiving

free  fulfilled heard helped helpful important  in control included  listened to  loved  needed  noticed  powerful

The positive sides of compensation 

Compensation works as a coping strategy that can cover up real or imagined deficiencies. While negative compensation can make problems even worse, positive compensation may help a person overcome personal difficulties. If compensation is dealt with in a healthy manner it can be a positive and valuable force, thus leading to personal growth. In such cases compensation, and the coping strategies aimed at achieving personal goals, could be of great value both for the individual and for society

Too much of anything is a false fix for unmet needs. You need to find out 1)what do you need but aren't experiencing and 2) find healthy ways to meet that need.

Now, I’m sitting in my hotel room in Hildesheim, relaxing after breakfast. It’s time for a break. This little town has a few sights that I’ve wanted to see for a long time. In the end, it wasn’t as spectacular as expected, yet nice. Later, I’ll drive to Worpswede, an artist’s village close to Bremen. There, I’ll take part in a painting course for five days and rejuvenate after the past months.

And reflect on ways to ease my perceived stress with other ways than unhealthy ones. ;-D